whenshewasnice | Natalie's Apartment, Port-au-Prince, Haiti, Sunday

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Natalie's Apartment, Port-au-Prince, Haiti, Sunday

It had been a work-filled two weeks. Distraction tactic after distraction tactic. In the last week, she'd even managed to acquire a guitar, because trying to learn to play that beyond what preliminary skills she already had was a good way to pass what little time she had where she couldn't even pretend she had work to do. And all this because of a confrontation with some guy.

(Except it wasn't 'some guy'. It was never just 'some guy' with her.)

It had been almost two weeks. Enough for things to cool down. Enough for a chance at rational discussion. And if she was right, the fall break crowd was returning to the island today. So actually reaching out – not that she wanted to be the first to do that – wouldn't actually disrupt anyone's vacation anymore.

So. It was time.

And Natalie refused to do anything as lame as taking a calming, steadying breath before selecting Jim's number and bringing the phone to her ear.

[ooc: NFB, but can open also for interaction with people not named in the post!]

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When Jim had gotten back to his room, he'd tossed his stuff on the floor and face planted on the bed. He'd stayed like that until his phone started going off.

Without even looking at the caller ID, he put it to his ear and mumbled, "'Lo?"

He needed a vacation from the vacation.

Natalie's tone immediately got a little wry.

"I take it by that greeting you're not expecting it to be me."

"Mmm." Well, he didn't hang up, at least? He was quiet for a few seconds. "You'd guess right."

He breathed quietly and rolled onto his side so he wouldn't sound so muffled.

Well, not getting hung up on was definitely a positive start to this conversation. As it was the first requirement for actually having one.

"So... How've you been?"

"Busy." Italy and all. "Good, I guess. Had a fun time in Italy."

"Good."

Okay, maybe she should've thought this thing through before calling. Like what she actually wanted to say.

She fell silent, for the moment.

It might have been helpful, yeah. Jim didn't reply because what was there to say to a one word answer like that?

He cleared his throat and yawned, trying to wake up further and give her time to figure out why she'd called him.

She knew why she'd called. Finding the words for any of that was harder.

"Are you still pissed off?"

There. That took them right out of small talk and into the issues at hand.

Jim appreciated her quitting the small talk. It was only going to put him to sleep eventually.

"Not as much as I was." So yes but no.

Natalie sighed, quietly, as she took a seat on her sofa. Most comfortable place to sit in her apartment. She figured she was going to need that.

"I'm sorry."

She was.

"Okay." Jim nodded into his pillow. He rubbed his face and sighed into the phone. "I accept the apology."

She meant it, he could tell. It wasn't a magical cure all but it was good to hear.

Natalie had to wonder if this would've been easier had they been different kind of people. Like more open about their thoughts and things.

But had that been the case, they probably wouldn't have been having this conversation in the first place.

"So what now?" she asked after a pause. "I know apologizing doesn't exactly fix everything."

"Dunno."

He shrugged a shoulder.

"You're right, it doesn't. But I've got no solutions."

She let go of a sigh she'd tried to hold back.

"Well, what do you want?"

"I don't know," he repeated because he'd seriously been repressing the whole situation. "I haven't really thought about it because I didn't think you'd call. I was in Italy. I had other things on my mind."

"Okay." She could get that. Two of a kind, there. "Well, I've missed you. Or at least the parts of my brain that weren't repressed into submission have."

So, the parts that governed dreams and the like.

"Mmm."

Jim closed his eyes and kept them closed while he thought of what to say.

"Dunno what you want me to do with all that, Natalie. What do you want?"

"I want to not be a hopeless romantic so I don't have to deal with heartache all the time."

That was a little dry, a little tired.

"I don't know. I want a lot of things." Her tone was neutral, like it tended to be when she was revealing feelings. "But judging by how things went last time we talked, I guess I should settle for hoping we can get back to how we were before I ruined everything."

"I didn't ask what you would settle for. I asked what you wanted," Jim told her, shaking his head. "What did you want from me with all that talk last time? What do you want from me? Honestly, Natalie. Because you tell me one thing and then another it's confusing and irritating."

"Well, it's hard to tell you what I think sometimes because I'm afraid of what the reaction might be."

And she wasn't going to apologize for that. She thought she was within her rights to be terrified of getting hurt, though she'd admit it got confusing.

She was quiet for a second, not counting the quiet sound of her inhaling, then letting the breath go. "I'd want to date you. Not with the expectation that it'll last forever. Just... a new deal that'd actually get called what it is."

There, she'd said it. It was contradictory with some things she'd said before, but then sometimes she said things she wanted to be true instead of the ones that were.

Edited 2013-10-20 16:50 (UTC)

"Date me."

That was what he'd expected and he didn't know how to feel about it honestly. Almost every other signal she'd put out there had made it clear that she didn't want that with him or anyone.

"Why? You've always told me you don't want to date anyone. Dumped the last guy for that reason and made a point of constantly telling me that I don't know you. And now suddenly this?"

Natalie shrugged and stomped on the urge to argue with a few things there. "I get more attached than I would like to."

Damn those romantic urges.

"But to save at least a little bit of face, I should say that I was pretty stressed out for other stuff the last time we talked. I'd like to think I wouldn't have sunk into hysterical sadness as fast as I did, otherwise."

"I don't know if I want what you want."

He was trying to be honest. He'd never been the dating type and having that presented all the sudden was jarring.

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah, I figured." Back to utter mildness of tone. "That's why I didn't want to say this."

"Can you please stop making me feel like this is my fault?" Jim asked, a little irritated. "I'm being honest. Do you want me to lie instead?"

"You told me the way I talk about these things is confusing and irritating," she replied calmly. Only vaguely apologetic. "I was just telling you why that is."

Jim sighed and rubbed his face again. He didn't really know where to go from here or what to say to her. He was confused, if he was being honest with himself.

"I'm just confused by the suddenness of this, Natalie," Jim admitted after a few seconds of silence. "You never really let on about this until our last phone call. It was all at once. That's tough to process."

Natalie shrugged again. Couldn't stop doing that repeatedly even on the phone.

She took another deep breath. "Repression and wishful thinking usually lead to a sudden explosion sooner or later, I guess," she said. "Because I didn't really have to think about it, did I? I moved away, so the deal was off, and we just kept going."

Yeah, she'd wondered a lot over the last two weeks (whenever her brain had gotten away from her and that repression thing) whether all the stupidity could have been avoided if she'd ever brought the deal up after it ended. Renegotiation and discussion.

Oh well, it was pointless to wonder about.

Jim took all that in and rubbed his eyes. He was still tired. He was going to just blame that on Cade. It was all Cade's fault, yeah.

"So, if you're ready to date again, why not the other guy that you can't get over?" Jim had to ask because he knew some of her feelings there. "You love him. Not me."

He wasn't a substitute and her choice just seemed strange from where he was standing.

There was a long pause. Took a moment for Natalie to get her words in order. "Okay, maybe dating was the wrong word after all," she said when she spoke again. "Or maybe your idea of dating is too restricting. I don't ––"

Another pause.

"I'm not looking for the kind of thing I had with Sam. I don't have the time or the heart for something that intense and all-engulfing. Nothing's changed that much. I..."

She wasn't sure what she wanted to add to that, so she trailed off.

"Uh huh."

And now he was even more confused. He was starting to get a headache. Jim sighed and closed his eyes again.

"You just want another deal. I don't sleep with anyone else. That's basically it."

"I guess so."

She still had the uncomfortable feeling in the pit of her stomach making her wish she'd never said anything.

Jim made a humorless noise. He shook his head.

"Yeah. I'm sorry, Natalie, but you're really not making this sound like it's anything different than what we were doing," Jim told her. "You want to be touched but it's on your time, it's your rules and I'm the one that has to conform to everything."

He was probably exaggerating but he was prone to do that. Jim Kirk and all. He pushed on.

"You don't want to date me. You want someone to touch you. That's what you're making this sound like. And ideally, I'd be cool with that but you're making it sound like I'm just being used or something to be a cure for your loneliness."

"Yeah, because I never told you I loved you or anything."

Okay, maybe she was managing to get a little frustrated with this now. A little snappish and tense.

"So, it's not the same kind of love I had for Sam and you know that. Okay. But the way I love Sam now isn't the same as the way I loved him back then. And no, I don't want to use you. I want to be special to you, because you're special to me too."

And that sounded horribly corny and she really wished she hadn't said something that sounded that dumb but whatever, it was honest.

Jim wet his lips and let that digest. He'd been exaggerating and he'd known it. He thought about apologizing but didn't. Not just yet.

"You are special," he mumbled, eyes still closed. "You know that."

"Well, you made me sound like a user bitch," Natalie muttered. She lened back against the couch, closing her eyes. "And I'm only the regular kind."

"Natalie, I said that you just wanted a deal where I didn't sleep with anyone else. You said that was basically what you wanted. No elaboration. If I said that to you, that I just wanted someone to sleep with you, you wouldn't feel used?"

Jim made a sound of frustration. "You explained after I said that. I'm not saying it was the right thing to say but your statements about me are almost always different. It's hard to keep straight."

"Sorry." And that was another apology she meant. "I was trying to be quippy."

Because for some reason her brain to mouth filter failed far more with him than with anyone else.

"But no, I'm not trying to use you, and yes, I get how you'd hear it like that anyway. So, we have an understanding about that."

"Okay."

He could agree to that.

"Look, I care about you, Natalie. I do. I don't know if I'm ready to make another deal with you. I'm not angry or scared or anything. There's other things going on with me and I just don't know if I'm ready. Maybe we can just try and be what we were. I dunno. I need some time to think about more than that."

"That was the second time in this whole conversation you've said anything about how you feel about me." Her tone was softer, and there was nothing accusatory about it. "It was nice to hear."

So there was that. She paused, then let go of a breath. "Okay. I don't need any big decisions made right now. It's okay."

"I'm not saying no. I'm just saying not yet."

And he thought there was a big distinction there.

"Maybe I'll come see you in a few days or something. See what happens."

Oh, there was a huge distinction there. With Natalie's love of semantics and precision, it was definitely there for her too.

She sighed, a tiny little bit of tension evaporating from her shoulders. A tiny bit. "Okay," she said again. "I'd like that. I've missed you. Still do."

"Yeah, me too."

He smiled a bit.

"I'll call you or send you a message or something, see what time's good for you."

Moxy jumped up on the couch and licked Natalie's free hand, then headbutted it. He always did have great timing.

"Yeah. I'll try not to be too insanely busy."

"Okay."

He was quiet for a few seconds.

"Okay, so I'm gonna go ahead and go. Long week. I'll talk to you soon."

"Yeah." She knew long weeks. "Bye, Jim."

"Bye, Natalie."

And then he waited a moment before he hung up the phone.

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Natalie's Apartment, Port-au-Prince, Haiti, Sunday

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